Jasper The Wussy Warrior
by JLS
Summary: A modernday fairy tale in which Jasper the Hero has a strong reputation as a big Wuss.


**JASPER THE WUSSY WARRIOR**

Once upon a time, far far away, there was a small little village called Doomtown. Not a bad little village, quite a rich place with many shops and businesses. It was market day in the village, and many people were out trading and exchanging items and cattle.  
Jasper strolled through the streets. He was supposedly a warrior, but he had got a reputation as being quite a wuss, so much in fact he became known as 'Jasper The Wussy Warrior'. This started after he left his good friend James back in the Tinytown castle to be killed by the Giants back in '86.  
He got closer and closer to the market square.  
'Oh no,' he said. 'Not market day!' he said to himself.  
'Oh look,' a villager pointed out. 'It's Jasper the Wussy Warrior!'  
Crowds of people go after him. He thought they were all coming over because they all like him.  
'Sorry, but no autographs today,' he said in a posh voice. 'I have to try and slay the Giant that is coming for this town!'  
The Giant, Tiny and Giantess, Tina had been long-time terrors of Doomtown, but they hadn't tried to invade for a while. Jasper was just playing a joke on the villagers, but they all evacuated the market square and fled the town.  
The Giant was striding along a road, 10 foot tall and heading for Doomtown.  
'Think I'll go and attack that pesky little village,' The Giant said to himself. He headed down the road to Doomtown and got to the Green Forest when he could hear Jasper talking about the Giant possibly invading the town. After the '86 incident, he knew that he wasn't very popular, so he was going to make him look even more stupid. 'Just turn round, do that another day,' he said, quite loudly, making the floor shake. He fell over into a small building. 'My arm's bleeding now!' he strode back to Tinytown nursing his damaged arm.  
Slowly, as villagers started to arrive back on the streets, they hated Jasper even more now. But his joke was very nearly _not _a joke.  
'JASPER!' everyone shouted. He held his ears to avoid deafening, and hid down a small alley. He thought it would be safe to come out after nearly twenty minutes so he did so but an egg caught him in the face. He then managed to calm the villagers down so he could explain.  
'They just decided to no-show today, but they'll be back!' he cried, and then he picked up a paper cup half filled with water from someone's market stall. 'And they will crush us as simply, as I crush this paper cup!' He tried to crush the cup, but just couldn't. He tried harder, still couldn't. After turning beetroot red he managed to dent the cup, with water splashing over his face.  
'And that's where I come in,' a voice said. Out of the shadows stepped a man in a black checkered suit with a top hat on, with a cigar in his mouth. ' I am the Smoker.' He said. 'And I advise you to move to Tinytown. No giants there, they're from Giantown. It's a totally safe place to live.'  
At first people just talked about the move, then after a couple of weeks, Doomtown was nearly empty. But little did they know what lurked in the future.  
People were mysteriously disappearing. Houses were being demolished. Then Jasper appeared, catching Tiny red handed.  
'I challenge you to a dual!' he said. 'Only joking!' he tried to scurry away but Tiny picked him up with one hand.  
'You won't be joking if you want to live,' Tiny said. 'Green Forest, right now!' He dropped Jasper to the floor.  
'I hurt my bottom!' Jasper cried. The remaining villagers all laughed at Jasper. He revealed a crossbow.  
'Watch out everyone in a 500 mile radius, he's a lousy aim!'  
Jasper got upset and wanted to prove himself, so he strode into the Green Forest.

The King of Doomtown was with some rich friends hunting at the time, and then The Giant appeared but failed to notice them. Jasper then appeared also.  
'Come on then, Giant,' Jasper said. 'You won't beat me!' Then the King got behind Tiny when Jasper got the crossbow out because he knew he was a lousy shot. He shot the crossbow.  
At first it was going right towards Tiny, but then it stopped about an inch from his nose.  
'MALFUNCTION, MALFUNCTION,' the arrow said while getting out a map. It then darted right into the king's heart. Tiny then scared off Jasper, among with villagers.

'Now to take your mind off that incident,' Jasper quickly said, getting out a boomerang. 'Watch me knock this pigeon into next market day!'  
The boomerang swung towards the bird, and it squarked loudly. But the boomerang started to swing back about half an inch from the bird's neck.  
'Oh god,' Jasper said. 'Not again.' And boom, it hit him on the head, and the villagers had no sympathy for the person who had murdered the king.  
A long time passed. He woke hearing a strange voice.  
'It's me, Mario!'  
'Wh… Mario?'  
'It's me, Mario!'  
'Yes, heard you the first time!'  
'So you've been listening to me say 'It's me, Mario for nearly four hours and about 1000 times?'  
'1001 now,' Jasper said, getting up.  
'We need to kill that Giant, Tiny,' Mario said. 'Follow me!' And they wandered down through Green Forest and down many roads until they reached the massive castle.  
'Well, looks like we're here,' Jasper said. 'God, how many miles have we just walked?'  
'My name's not God, its Mario! You need to go to an anti-wuss school you know!' Mario said.  
'Don't you think I would if there was one round here?'  
'Gee… just a figure of speech! Mario wants you to shut up now!'  
Jasper did not dare say anything else. Mario then saw a mushroom that was shining in the grass. After seeing these before, he knew what they did. After he'd eaten the last part, he became 12 feet tall.  
'Oh, don't tell me you're some Giant's apprentice of something.' Jasper said quietly.  
'Just go in, quietly!' Mario replied. Jasper stepped towards the door, and an alarm went off.  
'Ur, this wasn't in the script,' Jasper said. Then guards sped round from both sides of the castle, but they scurried off when they saw that Mario had become 12 feet tall. They walked in the massive door, making it creak on its old hinges.  
They walked in to a massive front room, with a massive chandelier in the middle, staircases curving up to other floors at each corner of the room, with Tiny's head as a statue on the banisters. They took a random choice and went up the closest staircase. 'Come on, I think we've found something here, this has to be the way.' Jasper whispered. But Mario had stopped quite a while further down as he noticed that the staircase went to nowhere. Jasper turned round and was walking backwards when he nearly went off the edge. 'People could tell you when they move their rooms about,' he moaned.  
Mario found the right staircase and they reached a corridor, with about 15 doors on either side and a massive door at the back. It was about 25 feet long to this big door.  
'It's the door at the back where The Giant is,' Mario said.  
'No it isn't. There isn't even a door at the back.'  
'You're blind as well as a wuss? What kind of warrior are you?'  
'A wussy one!' Jasper said laughing. He doesn't seem to know what wuss means. 'Come on, this Giant probably isn't here? Don't you think he would hear? Hey that rhymes..'  
'Oh my god!' Mario replied. 'Why did I bother waking you up in that Forest?'  
'What are you asking me for?'  
'I was asking myself!'  
'Oh.'  
Then they were jumped by a voice. 'What are you doing here?' _It was Tiny._  
'Ur, it was Mario's idea, kill him, not me!' Jasper said. 'My villagers like me, I'm too valuable!'  
'Jasper, no-one likes you,' The Giant continued, meanwhile Mario stole Jasper's crossbow and shot Tiny in the back three times.  
'Oh, down I go!' Tiny said before he finally collapsed. The Giantess then appeared out of nowhere. Jasper killed her with a crossbow shot.  
'You don't kill a girl Giant!' Mario screamed. Jasper just stared at Mario blankly. 'Oh forget it, let's go.' They then leave the castle.  
'I'm going to be even more popular now,' Jasper said happily.  
'What? Mario did all the work! You didn't…' And before Mario could finish Jasper interrupted him.  
'Hey, Mario, I swear I just saw a line of golden coins over there.'  
'Where? Where?' He sprinted off looking for these golden coins.  
'Ha, now I can nick the spotlight.' Jasper said, rubbing his hands. He stopped to think. 'Oh, I better hurry in case he gets back!'  
He eventually found his way back to Tinytown, where now everyone was living. There were hardly any citizens in Doomtown anymore. He whistled to call peoples' attention.  
'I have slayed, The Giant!' Jasper said. People then, believing him straight away, liked him and they really _were_ trying to get his autograph. But then a guest arrived.  
'Hey look over there, it's Mario! The guy off those video games!' Jasper groaned.  
'It's me, Mario!' Now the people were all over there trying to get _his_ autograph. Afterwards he asked the villagers where Jasper was.  
'He's right there.'  
'Thank you.'  
He walked over to Jasper and smacked him on the head, not even hard, but still nearly knocking him out. 'That's for being a liar,' Mario said. 'It was indeed me who killed The Giant.'  
'We were so stupid. He'd never be that brave.' Villagers discussed with each other. They instantly believed Mario over Jasper, as they thought that Jasper was just trying to gain popularity.  
'He did come with me though,' Mario said, feeling kind of sorry for Jasper and feeling that he should get some of the credit. But they didn't care one bit. They still hated him. It wasn't him who killed Tiny, Mario did, and ultimately, that was all the Villagers cared about. And for the rest of his life, Jasper remained 'Jasper The Wussy Warrior.'

not your traditional end to a fairy tale, don't you think?

The End


End file.
